“Look at this hose I hooked up.”

You think I give a fuck about a hose right now? Are you a retard? Or is just that your level of emotional connection or give a fuckability or - what’s that word now? empathy? is so non-existent that I continue to be unable to wrap my head around it

Trust me when I say that there is going to come a time when you need help. When you are at rock bottom and lose everything. That day that you fear more than anything? It’s going to happen to you. I have seen flashes of it. And the only thing that will make me feel bad is not being there to stand by and watch it happen. I won’t be able to watch you burn and turn my back on you and walk away as you have done and continue to do to me. To hear you cry, see you morph into an entirely different human being, and think I’ve won. Just as you do. To tell you that your feelings = an argument at an attempt to shut you the fuck up. To sit on piles of money and overlook my kingdom while watching a woman become more sick and more weak every day, and to still put myself and my money first. To tell you you’re crazy and attempt to make you feel like you’re blowing things out of proportion. To gaslight you until you want to smash your car into a tree. All things I wish I could do, or watch be done to you, but I am not, nor could I ever possibly be, that cruel. For some reason I still feel sad at the thought of you growing old and dying alone, even though it’s exactly what people like you deserve.

Also trust me when I say I’m done protecting you - and every other mother fucker - who not only watched me burn, but created the fire and then kept throwing gasoline on it and acted like they were an innocent bystander or better yet, a victim.

Believe me, don’t believe me. I don’t care. I see things before they happen. I see flashes, scenarios, scenes - or something of the sort - of the future.

The ONLY thing stopping me from having the life that I want is my trauma and my fear, which you add to every single day. I have so much more power than you could ever possibly understand. And when all is said and done, the only thing you will have done for me is shown me that.

You think that because tempers flare and then die down that the words spoken vanished into thin air and are all forgotten - a temper which I have never, EVER had in my life - but they’re not. They never will be.

This feeling I have right now? My head spinning, not being able to focus on anything, walking around in circles not knowing why I went into a room, feeling like I’m going crazy and I think my body is just going to explode, feeling like I don’t know if I’m going to cry, get sick, or punch a hole in the wall, shaking so badly that I can barely type? YOU caused it. You have caused it time and time again. Every single fucking day. And my body cannot handle it anymore. A body who’s loyalty you somehow think you’re entitled to when there is not a single thing about what you are, who you are, what you do to me and what you don’t do for me that resembles a partnership or a boyfriend.

Try to rewrite the last 2 years and what you’ve done to me all you want. You can’t rewrite something that I already have written. Every single miserable fucking day of my life and what you’ve put me through is journaled.

So, go ahead and spew your venom and throw dollar figures at me. You think you’re “winning”, even though the game you’re playing is with my heart and my mind. You will only feel like you’ve truly “won” if I take my own life, even though — I’m already dead. Even though I know my self worth, I know what I deserve and who I am, I don’t feel it. Knowing something and feeling it are two very different things.

And, if I were like you, next would come a great punishment for speaking such words to his highness.