If you don’t want to get criticized, hide from the world. Be nobody, stand for nothing. Never express yourself. Keep your creativity hidden. But realize, that a life lived in fear and anonymity is no life at all. Progress and growth demand bravery. Have the courage to be disliked while being kind. Meet cruelty with grace and stand tall in who you are, no matter the noise.

I held an unwavering belief for my entire life that people were inherently good; that belief was chipped away little by little over the last 3 years until it eventually whittled down to nothing. I’ve lost everything. 

I’ve lost not only my dream, what I worked so hard for, what I put everything I had into. I’ve also lost something that for the first time in my life gave me a sense of safety and stability that I had provided for myself. No one could take it from me. No one could threaten me anymore. No one could force me into compliance by threatening to take things away from me. By “things” I don’t mean gifts and cars, vacations, credit cards — by “things” I mean the shit people need to survive. Food, clothing, a roof over their heads. I was finally safe. I finally felt like I had both feet on the ground. I could finally go home at night to a peaceful place and not feel scared. On November 21st, the day before Thanksgiving that was all taken from me. *POOF*. Just like that. And it was done in an underhanded, malicious way. 

I’ve never had anger issues. I’ve always been a go with the flow, down to earth person. I am not that person anymore. I am filled with rage. I feel rage at the corrupt small town “justice” system that failed me, at the CEO, COO, and “Senior” Property Manager of RUPCO, the nonprofit organization that I rented the space for my store from. RUPCO exists to help people and they single handedly dismantled my small business and my mental and emotional health as though it were nothin. I feel rage at them for ignoring me as only cowards in the most true sense of the word would do. When someone feels justified in their actions, or knows that they have been honest and acted with integrity, they don’t feel like they have to hide. 

I feel rage at the people in my life who know what I have been going through and haven’t said a word to me. I feel rage towards the people closest to me who have ignored my failing mental and physical health. I’ve stopped leaving the house during the day because my depression has gotten so bad. My depression has never been this bad. I’ve noticed changes in my personality and my behavior that scare me. I’m scared that this feeling will never go away, and I will never be at peace again. I’m scared that a switch flipped in my brain and has caused permanent damage. I spend my days shaking, pacing in circles. My mind races from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I fall asleep — if I do fall asleep. Sleep is not a respite from my mind, and is something I have faught my entire life. Bad things happened when I went to sleep. 

My sleep paralysis is back with a vengeance. I am woken up by what my brain tricks me into thinking is someone in my apartment, someone standing over me, or someone banging on my door as hard as they can. When I open my eyes I cannot move. It takes about 30 seconds for my brain to send signals to my body that allow me to move and give me the ability to rationalize. It’s then that I see that the dogs aren’t barking. They’re sound asleep. So there isn’t anyone in my apartment, there’s no one standing over me, there’s no one banging on the door. They would have let me know. The nightmares are back, too. They’re the same nightmares I’ve had for years, and they too come back during periods of intense stress. In each nightmare there is a house. A different house for each nightmare, but they are always the same two houses that have appeared in previous nightmares. I only see the outside of one of them. It’s grey and tall, and I am always on the top floor, outside. There are broken shutters, and I can’t see anything inside but darkness. The second house is the worse of the two. I don’t see the outside, I am inside. This house is huge, and half of it is completely dark; I’m walking up a set of wooden stairs with no backing, my back is as close to the wall as it can go, and all I can see is darkness. I don’t know what’s there, I just feel terrified and I don’t want to look. I end up on the top floor in a small, dark, depressing room, alone.  But I am not the grown-up me, I am the little me. 

I will not keep my mouth shut any longer to protect my abusers. I will not keep my mouth shut any longer to protect the people who violated, assaulted, or raped me. I have spent years of my life trying to heal from what other people have done to me. I am the one who has suffered the consequences of other people’s shitty, disgusting behavior. I am the one who has driven herself to psychiatric hospitals just to get a break, or to feel supported and understood.   Many of which became their own nightmares and caused more trauma. 

I will not stop until each person who has taken part in the destruction of my business, my health, my happiness, my independence, my reason for living — all have consequences. Just like I have. Why the fuck does the victim end up being the one whose life is ruined? Where are the people who created the victims? They’re living their lives. 

Those who have continually ignored me will no longer have the option to do so.

This is not an act of spite. This is a woman with nothing left to lose, beaten up, at rock bottom, tired of being the one to suffer the consequences for other people’s abhorrent actions or lack thereof. I know I’m not special. I am certainly not the only woman who has been abused, harassed, failed by the justice system, or the people in her life that she depended on. No, I’m not different — but that just pisses me off more. People go through shit every day — and I have been through some shit. You can read about all of it if you choose to. But, since I moved to the lovely little town called Saugerties the amount and severity of shit is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. 

I am done keeping my mouth shut out of fear, shame and embarrassment. I am not the one who should be afraid. I am not the one who should feel ashamed. I am not the one who should feel embarrassed.