February 4th, 2018
You have no right to blow up at me or flip out on me because I can't follow through with something. I am having an extremely hard time right now, and I shouldn't have to keep explaining myself to someone who says he loves me. I have to do that with every asshole I come across in this world, you shouldn't be one of them. Instead of showing compassion all you are worried about is this visit, not that I'm in a really bad place right now. Not that I need to not have pressure put on me. My intention is to do something when I offer because I WANT to be able to, and I understand it is frustrating for you that I am unreliable right now. I WANT to be able to go work a six figure job. I want to not feel sad all the time. I want to not cry all the time. I want to not be so anxious that I'm constantly shaking and don't remember things and drop things and forget where I am or where I'm going. I want my boyfriend to be kind and supportive and show me compassion. I don't want to end up having another nervous breakdown and back in the hospital because there is nothing but stress and negativity in my life. I have to deal with appealing disability/finding a new attorney and it is hugely impacting me. I cannot deal with you losing your mind because I don't do what you want me to do. I need you to be able to deal with it if I can't, because at this moment I am dealing with more than my brain and my body want me to. I am sick. My brain is sick. Period, end of story. I don't know how or if I can make you understand that. You continue to berate me even though I am shaking and sick to my stomach. Even though I had an awful panic attack this morning. I need support. I need people around me who want to help me because I can't do it alone anymore. I am sinking further and further into depression and I need someone to help me. I wish you could understand how black everything looks to me and how sick I feel. I. Have. A. Mental. Illness. If you cannot accept that or understand it or deal with it you should not be in a relationship with me.
