November 15th, 2023
I’m not going to respond to you when you berate me about money anymore. The financial health of my business and myself were both the best they have ever been just 2 years ago. I now have more debt than I have ever even come close to having collectively in my entire life, my credit is the worst it has EVER been AT 43 YEARS OLD, I have nothing to show for all the personal sacrifices I have made over the last 8 years of my life - a life that I value even if you don’t, and you have made it very clear over and over and over again that you don’t - and a person who berates me about the “help” they have “given” me literally nonstop. Don’t you get tired of it? I sure do. How do you consider it “help” when it’s only after I have been driven to the point of wanting to take my own life that you then concede and “give Stephen money”? When you were the one who told me to withhold rent and left me to piss in the wind and deal with the consequences that came with that? Knowing that I had no idea how to handle it because I’ve never done anything like it? You’re a fucking landlord. And I shouldn’t have had to deal with it alone the way that I did.
You do not have power over me because you “put out” money for me. I have sacrificed literally every fucking thing I want or need for you, I have helped you with so much shit in so many ways and you think because I didn’t give you chunks of money when you needed it that you reign supreme over me? I have given you more than you could ever even begin to give another human being. If I threw it in your face every time I did you would know that. But I am a good person with a heart that’s way too big, I am honest and loyal to a fault, I’m smart, I’m driven, I’m compassionate, I’m funny, I’m pretty, I have integrity — I don’t feel the need to bolster myself by destroying someone else, and nothing you say will change those things about me. Those things are WHO I AM and no matter how hard you try to take that from me you will never succeed. Never ever.
Somehow you think what you’ve loaned, which is a renewable resource, a method of control for you, and in your words “just a tool”, is “helping” me even though it means having it held over my head and thrown in my face nonstop. Anything you do - like coming to the store for 6 hours, picking up my medication; even BRINGING ME WATER - it’s all thrown in my face and held over my head, no matter how many times I have told you how grateful I am or how many times I have thanked you it’s not enough. You act like I’m lucky you don to give me a moment of your time or money. You certainly were successful in making sure I never asked you to come down here to help me/see me again when I’m sick and/or in pain. Because you told some retard at Lowes your version of events and she said something to make you feel vindicated in feeling like driving here to help me was “crazy” — because you simply just don’t want to be bothered. But I’ll bet if I let you stick your dick in me every time you came to help me you’d have had no problem doing it.
Do you think that you’re going to somehow win an argument that isn’t even being had? Because what are you trying to do? What’s your end game in your never ending obsessive pursuit of telling me about ALLLLLL the money you’ve put out? What is your end goal in telling me how much of a burden I AM in YOUR life? If not to exploit a weakness? A weakness that only exists because I am person with fucking integrity and I don’t like to have debt. The fact that someone who has been my intimate partner is also someone who has put me in “debt” is abnormal, sick, toxic, unhealthy and not the way I am or want to be.
You’re literally trying to kick me further and further into the ground with every chance you get, and you relentlessly talk about money because it’s your only defense, and it’s not even a defense for a normal person - you’ve made it one because you see that it creates a reaction in me. You use it as a weapon. If I don’t stop allowing you to do this to me I will die. There is absolutely no question about this. I wouldn’t be the first woman to die at the hands of narcissistic abuse.
You ignore what I feel. You ignore anything I say. The abuse is so out of control that I cannot be around you. Every word I say is treated with contempt. But you still deny, rewrite history, twist words, deflect and on and on.
If your goal was to instill anger and anxiety so I couldn’t work anymore tonight you achieved it. You do it almost daily. Just texting me you invoke anxiety.
I’m so angry I want to punch a hole in the wall. I’m angry that you think so highly of yourself, that you are so deluded that you think you have the right to say the shit you say to me, to have been the cause of my financial and emotional downfall and then have the fucking nerve to berate me over money. The number of times I have left that fucking tiny house in the wee hours of the morning while you sleep like a baby? It sickens me. If I got into a car accident and died having left there under duress? That’s manslaughter. I have made sure to tell a friend every time I have left there and why I have done so.
You have made car payments for the sole purpose of preventing my car from getting repossessed and me taking back MY Volkswagen that you are holding hostage. You are not doing that to help ME. Everything you do has an ulterior motive.
I’m not living in fear of you. I’m not going to die at your hands.
You are completely out of control.
You are in the “discarding” phase of this “relationship” even though there is no “relationship” to discard of. Even though this has never been a “relationship”. A relationship exists when two people have an equal amount of love and respect for one another. A relationship exists when two people spend time doing things together. A relationship exists when two people have each other’s backs in every possible way and act as a team. A relationship exists when two people support each other in every possible way.
You:
Find someones weakness and exploit it, for me it’s money.
Will always pretend you don’t understand me
Abuse me financially, emotionally, spiritually and now we can add physically to the mix
Will never feel bad about it
Will never take responsibility for it
Will never acknowledge it
Will always try to control me with money and think you’re an almighty entity/God because of it — because you know it’s something that I feel bad about because I have principles and integrity
Will always keep me in the dark about the truth regarding money and lie lie lie
Will attempt to gaslight and guilt me into eternity
Deny, deflect, deny, deflect
Will never in a million years find someone at my level
Will never in a million years find someone at your level who will want to be with a 50 year old man who lives with his mom, has a curfew, leaves dog shit on the floor, lives in filth, hoards, and is the most greedy person on the face of the earth. I
Look for the most broken person you can find to try to exploit their brokenness further to get what you want from them. It’s easier to control and abuse a broken person than someone who isn’t an empath, doesn’t come from abuse, doesn’t feel like they’re worthy of receiving the kind of love that they give, and who is easily brainwashed into thinking they’re a piece of shit who can’t get by without you. Even if history proves the exact opposite to be the truth.
Have mocked my trauma, mocked my fear, mocked my history of sexual abuse and assault, continually made comments that I have asked you not to and then acted like I was the one who had insulted you
Will play the victim
Will be the victim of your choices
Will die alone
Will never see or care what you had in me and lost.
