I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. If I knew, I wouldn’t feel this way. The only things I know for sure right now - I can’t do this anymore; there is no coming back from this. Too much has gone down, too much damage has been done that cannot be undone with the flip of a switch. And I know I can’t do it on my own, whatever “it” ends up being. I’m having a legitimate nervous breakdown. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Every unheard word, every snarky comment, every attempt at bringing me down further feeds this rage I have and triggers horrific anxiety. My mind isn’t functioning; it’s unlike anything I have ever experienced and it is scaring me. I walk around shaking with swollen eyes, dry mouth, in a fog, barely able to process my thoughts or what’s going on around me. I have no appetite. My stomach hurts all of the time which has been going on for so long I’m fairly certain that on top of gastritis, IBS, and colitis I have something more serious and possibly irreversible going on. The only thing I have going for me is self awareness, and I suppose thats not nothing.
Since moving to Saugerties:
— I was constructively evicted.
— I had to take my slumlord to court, where I was treated like I was the piece of shit after eight months of asking for my security deposit back after being written a bad check.
In the past two years:
— I lived every day in fear of going to my apartment
— I lived in fear of being seen in Saugerties and still do
— I have lost my teeth, and I am in pain all the time
— I was harassed and stalked by various people and cops in Saugerties
— My employees were harassed by the owner of the antique shop, me ex was sucker punched in the face after said owner of antique shop felt the need to walk outside and run his mouth, so a fight ensued over me parking my car in front of one of the enormous windows of his store, which is also in front of my apartment door, overnight and through the next day, and only on occasion. A report was made, as well as a request that charges be filed. Those charges were never filed. The police gave my ex false information about the law and was dissuaded from pressing charges at all. While standing on the sidewalk in front of the entire town, making a report, a friend of ours drove by and asked if we were ok. The Saugerties police officer then shouted obscenities at him before he drove away.
— I have been yelled at for walking my dogs:
In the alleyway between The Exchange and Smith Hardware, where I have seen humans pissing.
Behind Smith Hardware in the parking lot, where I pulled my dogs away from an area in which there are flowers behind a curb, at which point the owner said, “don’t let your dogs go to the bathroom there my wife plants her flowers in that area.” - I had just pulled them away from that spot so that they wouldn’t go there, and he saw me do it.
Jane Street:
— A man stands outside and watches me the first time he did so I was on my knees picking up dog shit when he came outside and told me not to let my dogs take a shit on his lawn, even though this is a rental unit, this also happened a second time and resulted in him calling me an asshole and a Cunt the next time it happened he stood outside, and his neighbor across the street also stood outside, and they stood and intimidated me while they watched me with my dogs, the rather large intimidating man put cat food on the sidewalk which one of my dogs started to get into until I pulled him away. The man then said don’t let your dogs eat that and I thought it was because there was something wrong with it and he said no it’s mine at which point I offered him money he offered course said no. of course another time on Jane Street a woman and a white Mercedes told me I couldn’t let my dogs go to the bathroom in the woods on the side of a parking lot even though I picked up their shit out of the woods she then sat in her car and watched as I walked up and down the street waiting for me to leave another time I got yelled at on Jane Street was also recently by an elderly man who had just moved in, and I was luckily able to end up having a nice conversation with him
— A road rage incident, where I was pulling out of a side street. A guy in a pick up truck was unable to pull into the street - and lost his fucking mind. When I pulled over far enough for him to turn down the street he did some donuts, turned around, pulled up behind me, called me a Cunt, and a bunch of other names. The following week my side mirror was swiped twice. I reported him to the police. I very highly doubt anything ever came of that.
— The same kids ride around the village at all hours of the day and night revving their engines in their piece of shit cars as loud as they can, speeding, just overall doing dangerous, stupid shit - I called the police on them a number of times. The last time I did I was asked my name and I replied, “a concerned citizen”, to which the reply was “Ok then” *click*
— My car was repossessed
— I got into a car accident
— I had $2000 worth of merchandise stolen and a cop, an investigator and an ADA all said sorry about your luck. I sent an email to the lieutenant and have heard nothing back.
— I have lost all of my money
— My credit is the worst it’s ever been in my entire life
— I will not be able to get another apartment or another store because of my credit and because I have no money.
— I went from being financially independent, taking care of myself, having something I was proud of and finally feeling like I made it, only to have the rug pulled out from under me, and I’m supposed to watch as everything I worked for is dismantled, as though it is nothing? After what I went through in 2020? That in and of itself creates a kind of rage in me that I’ve never felt before.
— I am alone. I have to figure out how to do this alone as I have in the past. I do not want help that comes with terms and conditions,
strings attached, or control. Which means I am alone.
— I have lost my business. And really, that’s all there is to say. That’s it for me.
The lessons I have learned are that I can’t trust anyone, I do not deserve to have the things I want in life, or to be happy. I do not deserve the lifestyle that I want, and at one point, felt I deserved. I have learned that I should just shut the fuck up and accept things for what they are, even if I don’t agree with them. I can’t trust anybody to have my best interests at heart. I can’t trust anyone to keep me safe and protect me. I can’t trust anyone to keep my heart safe and protect it. I can’t trust anyone when they say they love me. I can’t trust anyone with my feelings, and I am not safe expressing them. I have learned that no matter how well you think you know someone you don’t really know them at all. I can’t trust that someone’s help is coming from a place of love, genuine concern and caring. I have learned that I do not deserve a break no matter how exhausted, burnt out and sick I am. I have learned that I don’t deserve to do nice things for myself and I shouldn’t expect anyone else to do nice things for me just because - out of the kindness of their heart - either. I have learned that I don’t deserve to have nice things. I have learned that fighting for what you believe in is a waste of time and will do nothing. I have learned that I should be happy settling; settling for a life that affords me little comfort, love or companionship. I have learned that my work, my talent, my creativity, my free spirit, my entire being, has little to no value.
Those are the lessons I have learned.
I cannot do this anymore. I believe that I am going to end up living in a shelter or hospitalized because no human can continue on the way I have been going without either dying at their own hand, or from an act of god, or having a mental breakdown so severe that they simply can’t function.
I am scared that I have passed the point of undoable damage.
